My father always likes to say, “You can eat an entire whale, one bite at a time”. His statement came to mind the other day as I was driving to the gym at 5:00 a.m. I realized I had come to a totally different places in my life physically and emotionally.
For many years I had a lot of self destructive thoughts and behaviors, lack of confidence and poor self esteem. I lived with depression for 20 years and formed many bad habits. Changing the thoughts and behaviors has been a five year process and will continue for the rest of my life.
Five years ago when I would think about going to the gym I would spend half the day talking myself there. Even though I was seeing the benefits and feeling better I would think of every excuse why I could not make it. There was a real battle going on in my head. Most days I would say, “Just go and do cardio for 10 minutes and then you can leave.” I would agree to this (begrudgingly) but go and get started and end up doing the prescribed 45 minutes. I was exhausted from the battle but proud I had won. This went on for over a year and then one day I realized I was battling myself less and less. I just got my gym bag ready and was looking forward to getting to the gym. I started grinning because I realized something in me had changed. It took over a year to change the way I had lived my life and the bad tapes that were running around in my head and running my life. I think part of the problem was that I was afraid of another failure and I was afraid of success but that is another post.
Last year I had a tough year physically. I could hardly exercise and I gained weight. January the doctor gave me clearance to start exercise. I was cautiosoulsy excited. I wanted my body back but some of my old fear of failure taunted me. This time I had four years of success under my belt, I had knowledge and I believed down deep I could do it. I wanted to try my new way of thinking that I tell my clients every day. I did not want to be extreme in my eating or exercise. I wanted to eat moderately and exercise regulary and see what would happened.
Well, it has been three and a half months of doing what I tell others. Truthfully, I have so wanted to be extreme and exercise like a crazy person and monitor every thing I put in my mouth but have been determined to exercise and eat moderately and enjoy each day. It is working, not only is my body changing SLOWLY but I am gaining an inner confidence that taking care of my body, mind and spirit is for life. I believe in the healthy part of myself.
My old trainer, David Suri, used to tell me, “Ruth, don’t be afraid, you are never going back.” I did not believe him, I had yo-yo dieted for 2o years, but I trusted him, so I kept coming back until the way I thought about food, exercise and my healthy became mine. My trainer fed me peices of a healthy whale until I was strong enough to feed myself. Over a 20 year period I ate a whale that produced a depressed, self destructive, and morbidly obese woman. Over the last five years I have been eating a whale that is producing a healthy mind, body and spirit. I feel I am becoming who I was always meant to be, one bite at a time.
It is one day at a time of healthy choices, exercising, eating right, loving ourselves and changing the way we think that is going to produce a beautiful, confident, self loving and healthy people inside and out!
I love this blog!
This is soo inspiring! I have been trying for about 3 months to live a healthier lifestyle and slip every now and then, but your blogs have given me some new inspiration! Wow – that was a run on sentence! Thanks for the inspiration!