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Posts Tagged ‘confidence’

Candy has always wanted to make a fondant cake & we did it together with Kayla

Candy wanted to make a fondant cake & we did it together with Kayla

 

Today my daughter, Candace, aka Candy, turns 11 today. I was thinking about what to give her for her birthday and of course I got introspective, if you have not noticed I do that a lot, and started thinking what would be the best gift I could ever give her.

Let her be Candy. 

When naming Candace, my best bud, Robin, promised me that if we called her Candace everyone else would call her Candace.   It worked until she turned 10 and SHE decided she wanted to be called Candy!  There is nothing wrong with the name Candy, taking a deep breath, trying not to conjure up …..  Anyway, at that time, I realized how important it was that I let her be Candy and whatever that means to her.    If you know Candacey, you know how much the name suits her.  She is absolutely hilarious and so much FUN!

Candy dancing a few years back

Candy dancing a few years back

I never discovered who I was until I was in my 40’s.  I want her to have confidence in who she is today.  I want her to explore all parts of her.  My job is to give her wings so she can soar with confidence into this big world.

Be Ruthie. 

When I walk with confidence I am role modeling for Candace what a confident woman looks like.  Becoming mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually strong gives her a picture of what a healthy woman looks like as she grows. 

A couple years ago she drew a picture of me.  I was a stick figure holding weights.  I was so proud at that moment because when she thought of me I was doing something healthy and positive.

Help her find her strengths.

Candy is an amazing artist and loves to cook.  School is not her favorite thing and motivation for school work is challenging.  When we started tapping into the things that she loved she blossomed.  All of a sudden her confidence soared.  She did better in school and started to enjoy life more.  We signed her up for art classes this last year.  She loved it.  She tends to be shy out in public but make it about art and she is excited and ready to give new things a try.;

Candy being her funny self

Candy being her funny self

Candy painting pottery

Candy painting pottery

Candy and her pup, Lucy

Candy and her pup, Lucy

We like to cook together.  She is quite good at tasting things and deciding if things need a little something more.  In two weeks she is taking a five day, five hour a day, cooking class for kids.  She is so excited and so am I. 

Imagine if we can help her discover what makes her tick at a young age. It makes my heart so happy to think we could help her discover what makes unique.

Teach her to listen to her spirit.

Sometimes I want Candace, sorry, Candy, to try new things that she does not want to try.  I have learned to really listen to what she is not saying.  Sometimes it is fear or insecurities on her part and sometimes she does not really want to do it and I have to back off and listen.  We talk through things and then I let her decide.  It makes her feel powerful.  Feeling powerless is a horrible feeling.  I want to her to feel fear and then be fearless and the only way to do that is to identify the fear and then plunge forward.  My job is to cheer her on, give her a little push, maybe hold her hand and maybe let go.

Make eating healthy normal and a way of life. 

I want Candace to think it is normal to eat healthy.  She LOVES SMOOTHIES!  She can make them herself.  Healthy snacks have become her favorite snacks.  When I make healthy food fun and tasty she does not want the junk.

 I could go on and on but as a healthy role model I must get up and go to the gym to face a fun hour of cardio.  (yes, I mean fun, I have a cardio partner who makes the hour fly)

Candy in her new apron

Candy in her new apron

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For years I was always asking others to tell me what I should think.   I wanted them to make me feel better, give me confidence and tell me how I looked.   No matter what they said, deep down I was not satisfied and was not sure if they were telling me the truth.  The truth is that there was probably not anything they could have said that would have made me feel better or that I would have believed deep down.

David, my old trainer, was tough.  He educated me on how to work out, pushed me to my physical limits and I LOVED IT.  I did not like how he pushed me mentally and emotionally.  I was used to people telling me what to think and feel and he would not do it.  I remember talking to him one time and asking what he thought about my progress and he told me it really did not matter what he thought, what did I think.  I was so hurt and mad at him.  I wanted him to assure me how great I was doing and was losing weight.  He was blunt and it seemed a little harsh to me, he was supposed to be helping me!!  I tried a couple different questions to get him to say something nice and he would not budge.  I left dissatisfied, hurt, angry and sure that he was just having a very bad day  (trainers do have bad days)  but this happened on more than one occasion and eventually figured maybe it was me, not him.

Mulling over, “it really does not matter what I think, it is what you think” made me panic, how was I supposed to think if others did not tell me what to think or feel, what if my thoughts and feelings mattered. Oh my, I was 43 and never been a free thinker, I was always doing what others told me, believing what they told me to believe about myself and anything else that mattered.   The truth is that I had no confidence in myself, I did not believe I was significant enough, smart enough or important enough to have my own opinion.  I thought I NEEDED THEM.

I was driving home from the gym a few months ago and called Keith, my husband, and said, “What do I look like?”.  There was silent pause, he said, “You are a lady that wears black a lot.”  Oh my, this is not what I wanted to hear and hung up quickly.  Once again I was hurt and mad.  What I meant but did not say, I am having a bad day, everyone at the gym looked perfect, I felt fat, my extra weight was not coming off quick enough and I wanted him to tell me how great he thought I was doing and looked.  Keith is a smart man, knew I did not seem happy when we hung up and called me right back.  He said, “I guess that was not really what you were looking for?”.    I told him to forget it, I would be home soon and got off the phone.  My past conversations with David came flooding back and I realized once again I wanted someone else to make me feel better about myself.  It was a great moment because I talked myself through what I really needed to be thinking about–to be patient, continue working my plan, it takes time and I was worth taking the time to take care of myself, I was doing great.   By the time I got home I was so happy,  confidant, still a little impatient with the process but knew what I thought mattered most.

There is nothing wrong with encouragement from others.  Encouragement is a good thing, I need cheerleaders, but it is wasted if the whole time in the back of my mind I do not believe what they are saying!  I lived by my emotions for years and was depressed.  Now when I go there the thoughts comes quicker, What do you think Ruthie?,  What do you know to be true?, Why are you needing outside affirmation?  I have a conversation with myself, I talk through the things I know to be true and my confidence starts to build.  MY MIND IS A BATTLE GROUND, I am a work in progress, getting rid of old thought patterns that had me stuck, exploring that I really think and believe about all aspects of my life.  It is scary and exciting.

CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR BODY.

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My father always likes to say, “You can eat an entire whale,  one bite at a time”.   His statement came to mind the other day as I was driving to the gym at 5:00 a.m.  I realized I had come to  a totally different places in my life  physically and emotionally.

For many years I had a lot of self destructive thoughts and behaviors, lack of confidence and poor self esteem.  I lived with depression for 20 years and formed many bad habits.  Changing the thoughts and behaviors has been a five year process and will continue for the rest of my life.

Five years ago when I would think about going to the gym I would spend half the day talking myself there.   Even though I was seeing the benefits and feeling better I would think of every excuse why I could not make it.  There was a real battle going on in my head.  Most days I would say, “Just go and do cardio for 10 minutes and then you can leave.”  I would agree to this (begrudgingly) but go and get started and end up doing the prescribed 45 minutes.  I was exhausted from the battle but proud I had won.  This went on for over a year and then one day I realized I was battling myself  less and less.  I just got my gym bag ready and was looking forward to getting to the gym.  I started grinning because I realized something in me had changed.   It took over a year to change the  way I had lived my life and the bad tapes that were running around in my head and running my life.  I think part of the problem was that I was afraid of another failure and I was afraid of success but that is another post.

Last year I had a tough year physically.  I could hardly exercise and I gained weight.  January the doctor gave me clearance to start exercise.  I was cautiosoulsy excited.  I wanted my body back but some of my old fear of failure taunted me.  This time I had four years of success under my belt, I had knowledge and I believed down deep I could do it.  I wanted to try my new way of thinking that I tell my clients every day.  I did not want to be extreme in my eating or exercise.  I wanted to eat moderately and exercise regulary and see what would  happened.

Well, it has been three and a half months of  doing what I tell others.  Truthfully, I have so wanted to be extreme and exercise like a crazy person and monitor every thing I put in my mouth but have been determined to exercise and eat moderately and enjoy each day.    It is working, not only is my body changing SLOWLY  but I am gaining an inner confidence that taking care of my body, mind and spirit is for life.  I believe in the healthy part of myself.

My old trainer, David Suri,  used to tell me, “Ruth, don’t be afraid, you are never going back.”  I did not believe him,  I had yo-yo dieted for 2o years, but I trusted him, so I kept coming back until the way I thought about food, exercise and my healthy became mine.  My trainer  fed me peices of a healthy whale until I was strong enough to feed myself.  Over a 20 year period I ate a whale that produced a depressed, self destructive, and morbidly obese woman.  Over the last five years I have been eating a whale that is producing a healthy mind, body and spirit.   I feel I am becoming who I was always meant to be, one bite at a time.

It is one day at a time of healthy choices, exercising, eating right, loving ourselves and changing the way we think that is going to produce a beautiful, confident, self loving and healthy people inside and out!

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