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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

I had run two 5k races before but I had never run in a trail race.  To be honest, I did not even know they existed until this one!  Matt and Laura from our gym ran it with me.  Laura and I ran the 4.5 and Matt ran the 10 mile race.  

I have three words for you:  I AM HOOKED!!!!!

I loved it.

Laura and I were not out to win the race.  She had run marathons and had a lot of experience running so I was happy to follow any advice she had for me.  We wanted to have a good time and to finish. 

We ran through the mud, ran in forest up tall hills, we walked across a log over a little ravine, we climbed with the help of a rope up a tall embankment and ran through streams.  I must tell you I have never hopped or crawled over so many fallen trees in my entire life.  It was breath-taking to be in the woods, see the beauty around us and be gasping to get the next breath to get up the next big hill.

We had so much fun.  The most exciting part for me was that I was not afraid.  It never crossed my mind I would not finish or I could not do it.   For me, that alone, was a victory.   Friends I can barely walk on the sidewalk without tripping so running in the woods with many obstacles was quite a challenge and gave me a lot to laugh at myself about!  IN THE PAST, fear has kept me from doing so many things in life, but not any more!

I was excited to have a friend who is my age, wants to be healthy, wants to try new things and can laugh and encourage me up a big hill.  We went out afterwards and ate a big sandwich, had some beer and watched college football.  It was a great day.

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Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

[Often said to have been quoted in a speech by Nelson Mandela. The source is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992. —Peter McLaughlin]

Fear kept me stuck for years.  You name a fear I felt it.  I believe my greatest fears were – What if this is not real, what if it doesn’t last?  What if it does last and I have a life and I have to do something?  My trainer, David, used to tell me I was never going back that I was different now but I did not believe him.  I would tell him, “You don’t really know me, I always go back.”  He never really convinced me and I was driven by fear for years.  I ate and exercised out of fear of going back to the hell of being unhealthy and morbidly obese.

I  have been walking in  a healthier lifestyle for five years now.  I realized recently I am no longer driven by fear, my journey is not over, but I love myself, believe in myself and I am no longer afraid I am going back.  I have peace in my heart.  Being driven by fear was exhausting and so counterproductive.

If fear keeping you stuck?  Success is more motivating and so much more rewarding!

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My husband is one of the kindest people alive.  He puts up with me, that alone should win him an extra jewel in his crown.  After 27 1/2 years (I am proud of that half year, # 27 was a hard one and this  1/2 has been blissful!)  he has learned the best way to approach me.  I have learned to listen carefully to the meanings of his kind statements, but sometimes I miss the deeper meaning.  Sunday night would have been one  of those times.

Keith and I were doing our regular Sunday night activity of folding clothes and getting ready for the week.  As we were folding clothes he mentioned that fact that I had gotten up consistently the last eight weeks at 4:00 a.m. to exercise and how proud he was of me.  He said he has been thinking that maybe my body might need a rest in the middle of the week and I should maybe think about taking  Wednesdays off  and workout on Saturday.  I blew him off and said I was in a good rhythm and wanted to keep it up.  He was quiet for a little while but I did not notice and then he let out a large breathe and said, “What I am trying to say is that you get really tired by Thursday night and you are not very nice by the time you get home.”  Okay, now he had my attention.  Me, not nice on Thursdays?  Hmmmm, could that be true?  I always tell people that we are exhausted by Thursday and take it easy Thursday night.  When I started to think about it, I realized yes we all are tired on Thursdays, but I am really tired and grouchy. 

Being a rigid person, in the past, afraid that if I take a break one day I may never go back, I felt a little afraid and told him I would work on the grouchy part.  I could not say I would not go in on Wednesday.  Keith is so supportive and does everything he can to help me accomplish my goals.  He goes in a little later in the mornings and takes Candace to school so I can get my workouts in.  He never complains and cheers me on so I did not want to ignore his comment but I had a little fear and had to work through it.  Wednesday I got up at 4:00 a.m. as usual and worked out.  When I got home I was exhausted.  My knee and hand were hurting.    My body was tired, my emotional reserves were low and after I snapped at Candace for no good reason I stopped and said enough.  I got into bed at 8:00, fell asleep by 9:30 and slept until 4:53.  No workout this morning.  The sky has not fallen and I feel rested. 

Fear of going back, fear of failing, fear of  gaining weight used to be my driving force.  Now I truly am driven by the desire to be healthy.  Sometimes healthy means listening to your body and resting.  I believe in myself and my healthy desires and know that I will be back on Friday.  Letting go of  past fears feels good.

Finding my desire to be healthy under the fear was the best thing ever!  Do you have a fear that effects your life?  Can you let it go?  Can you dig deeper and find your true desire?

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My favorite Gold’s Gym t-shirt says, CHANGE YOUR MIND CHANGE YOUR BODY.   If you have had body image issues and/or weight problems you have probably tried to diet over and over again.  I never understood why I would be doing good on a program and then all of a sudden would start sliding back. I really believe the answer  lies in our minds.  Out of will power you can do just about anything for 4-6 weeks but if you have not changed the way you think you will go back to past behaviors.

In the past one of my most self defeating features was the way that I beat myself up verbally.  All day long I would say negative things about how I looked, what I did, what I didn’t do.  Here are a few:

I am so fat, I am so lazy that now I am fat,  If I wasn’t so fat I would be happy,  I am the biggest mom here, Look at my jellyroll (stomach), I hate myself the way I am, Why should I start exercising or eating right again, I will just quit like last time.

I could go on for days about all the mean self-defeating things I said about myself.  I have since learned to retrain myself to thinking good thoughts about myself, even if they are things that have not happened yet.  I am believing that what is inside me is going to come out if I continue to be positive.

Whether you read the Bible or The Secret they both same the same thing.  Whatever you think about you will become.  Your focus has to be on the you you want to be, not who you were even thirty seconds ago. 

My trainer, David Suri, would get so angry with me when I would spout off one of my negative statements about myself.  I never forget the first time, he looked at me in disbelief and said, “Why would you say that?”, I said, “Because it is what I think and it is true.”  He told me NEVER  EVER SAY THAT AGAIN, you are changing and you have to believe it.  At first I was a little shocked because he would get so upset with me and then I began to understand the battle for me was not the exercise and the food, it was in my MIND.   He helped me to learn to think differently about myself.   You see the problem was that I did not believe I was going to change for the good.  I was so afraid of failing again and going back. 

I make my clients run or do step ups when they say mean things about themselves.  The  first time they do it they are shocked and say, “well it is true, look.”  I always tell them that it may have been true 30 seconds ago but we are bring healthy habits in our life and must believe in ourselves.    There are hundreds of books that talk about positive thinking.  I used to think those people were crazy and went a little overboard but now I understand the need to believe in myself and believe in proclaiming good, healthy, positive things about myself and my future.

I have taught myself  and am teaching my clients to say, “In the past I did…. now I …..

Example:  In the past I felt I was lazy and fat, now,  I am a work in progress and I am learning to move and eat healthy.

Please be kind to yourself.  Please share one positive statement about yourself.

Visit my best bud, Robin\’s blog.  She has an excellent post today on being comfortable with who you are meant to be.

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My father always likes to say, “You can eat an entire whale,  one bite at a time”.   His statement came to mind the other day as I was driving to the gym at 5:00 a.m.  I realized I had come to  a totally different places in my life  physically and emotionally.

For many years I had a lot of self destructive thoughts and behaviors, lack of confidence and poor self esteem.  I lived with depression for 20 years and formed many bad habits.  Changing the thoughts and behaviors has been a five year process and will continue for the rest of my life.

Five years ago when I would think about going to the gym I would spend half the day talking myself there.   Even though I was seeing the benefits and feeling better I would think of every excuse why I could not make it.  There was a real battle going on in my head.  Most days I would say, “Just go and do cardio for 10 minutes and then you can leave.”  I would agree to this (begrudgingly) but go and get started and end up doing the prescribed 45 minutes.  I was exhausted from the battle but proud I had won.  This went on for over a year and then one day I realized I was battling myself  less and less.  I just got my gym bag ready and was looking forward to getting to the gym.  I started grinning because I realized something in me had changed.   It took over a year to change the  way I had lived my life and the bad tapes that were running around in my head and running my life.  I think part of the problem was that I was afraid of another failure and I was afraid of success but that is another post.

Last year I had a tough year physically.  I could hardly exercise and I gained weight.  January the doctor gave me clearance to start exercise.  I was cautiosoulsy excited.  I wanted my body back but some of my old fear of failure taunted me.  This time I had four years of success under my belt, I had knowledge and I believed down deep I could do it.  I wanted to try my new way of thinking that I tell my clients every day.  I did not want to be extreme in my eating or exercise.  I wanted to eat moderately and exercise regulary and see what would  happened.

Well, it has been three and a half months of  doing what I tell others.  Truthfully, I have so wanted to be extreme and exercise like a crazy person and monitor every thing I put in my mouth but have been determined to exercise and eat moderately and enjoy each day.    It is working, not only is my body changing SLOWLY  but I am gaining an inner confidence that taking care of my body, mind and spirit is for life.  I believe in the healthy part of myself.

My old trainer, David Suri,  used to tell me, “Ruth, don’t be afraid, you are never going back.”  I did not believe him,  I had yo-yo dieted for 2o years, but I trusted him, so I kept coming back until the way I thought about food, exercise and my healthy became mine.  My trainer  fed me peices of a healthy whale until I was strong enough to feed myself.  Over a 20 year period I ate a whale that produced a depressed, self destructive, and morbidly obese woman.  Over the last five years I have been eating a whale that is producing a healthy mind, body and spirit.   I feel I am becoming who I was always meant to be, one bite at a time.

It is one day at a time of healthy choices, exercising, eating right, loving ourselves and changing the way we think that is going to produce a beautiful, confident, self loving and healthy people inside and out!

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