Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Last week was a great but  week for me.  It was exhausting, emotionally stretching and physically demanding.  By the weekend I was tired and ready to rest.  I slept good and had a great date with my husband.  What I realized while resting is that I had spread myself a little to thin and my house was in disarray and the clutter was going to take over any minute.  I have noticed when the house is messy I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to cook as much and I want to hide in my bedroom.  At first, I whined to myself, but I am tired and need the rest, and then I realized if I wanted to really rest I had to get things in order.

Friday night I put up clothes and organized my closet.  Wow, Saturday my man, Candace and myself  cleaned downstairs.  My energy was rising just from feeling the order in my small little corner of the world.  Sunday morning I worked in the garage and cleaned our fridge.  I was dripping with sweat and beaming a great big smile, now I could rest!  Truthfully, the cleaning was restful to my spirit, it calmed me.  I felt centered again.

Sunday afternoon I took the girls to the pool and relaxed, watched Keith play tennis, did a few loads of laundry and cooked a  great dinner.

This week I am going to be busy taking Candace to cooking school and working.  I am determined to maintain where I have cleaned and work on another little project (the junk drawers in my kitchen).  My family is happy to help because we all feel better when things are in their place.

It is Monday, I am planning and working success.  Is there anything in your life that is lurking, taking away your peace and focus on living a healthy, balanced life?

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This past weekend I went to my sister, Susan’s for her son, Eldridge’s graduation.Eldridge, Kayla and Candy at the Grove Park Inn  It was really great, my three brothers and my sister were all together for parts of the weekend.  My little brother, John, got engaged so we also celebrated for him and Denise.

My sister has an amazing deck that we sat at most of the time when we were at the house.  In the mornings, before the kids got up, I sat outside with my brother, Richard and Susan.  We talked about family stuff.  It really helped me to be able to talk with people who knew where I have come from and where I wanted to go.  The best part is that we are all trying to get emotionally healthy.  We are all fighting hard to slay the dragons that have won in the past.  My heart was so overwhelmed with love for them, they filled my love tanks to over flowing. 

I lived in depression for 22 years.  Occasionally, I poked my head out, but for the most part, I was depressed and sad.  I was stuck in my sadness.  When I was with my sibs this weekend we talked about some very sad things BUT the difference was that after we talked about them, laughed a little about them, I cried a little about them, we put the sadness away and had a great time the rest of the day. OH, it felt so healthy.  I am pretty sure that is what healthy people do.  We did not wallow in the sadness or get stuck.  We took it out of the box, acknowledged it  and then we put it back in its box and went about the business of celebrating life.

All the ladies at the Grove Park Inn

All the ladies at the Grove Park Inn

Richard encouraged me to relax.  He is a pastor but this weekend he was just my brother.  He assured me that God did not need me to work so hard, to quit striving and breathe.  Debbie, my amazing sister-in-law,  keeps pushing us to dig a little deeper.  She loves seeing us growing and is a great cheerleader.  Susan, my sissy, has been a warrior my entire life.  She has stood up many times alone and forged ahead even when others (me) did not understand or approve.  This weekend I asked her to forgive me for judging her during those times.  She looked wrong to me, now she looks courageous, and I applaud her for fighting so hard to be healthy inside and out! 

I came home refreshed.  I came home feeling loved.  I came home ready for the next leg of the journey.  My sibs are my friends and my cheerleaders.  Healthy is hard work sometimes but the rewards are so worth it.

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I realize that as I get healthier emotionally I can laugh more at my issues.  In the past, I took everything so seriously, was so afraid for people to see the real me so I covered me up with fat.  What would they think if they really knew me?  I hid my deepest fears, feelings, pains and shame under layers of fat.  As my heart heals, the pain fades and the shame goes away, I risk and  let safe people in to see the real Ruthie.  Some things are not pretty,  scarred and still broken BUT I know that as I face my fears of rejection and pain, I become freer to be who I was always meant to be and to laugh.   The Bible says there is a time to laugh and a time to cry.  Laughter is good for my soul.

I do cardio several mornings a week with Mark, he is my gym brother.  He makes me laugh, he  aggravates me, he laughs at me and tells me I am ridiculous many times in an hour.  Talking and laughing makes the cardio hour go by really quick.  We talk about our week, our spouses, kids and ourselves (he tries to talk about sports and I can tell you that last about 10 seconds!).  One day I was talking about the way I saw myself in the past and he looked over at me and said, “You used to be a real head case didn’t you?”  I burst out laughing and said, “You have no idea!”  I cannot tell you how good it felt to be able to laugh at my past. 

Exposing who I was in the past and who I am now frees me to heal, love myself  and others.  Because I can laugh at myself I now will try new things or do things that I know I am not good at and look foolish  (box jumps–when I jump people can’t help but laugh–that will be another post).  

If I am your trainer, you know there is one thing I will never let you laugh at or make fun, that is your body fat.  Many times fat is covering up pain and I will not let people minimize their pain by making fun of their outward appearance.   For me dealing with the pain and healing, renews my spirit, gives me the energy to educate, retrain my body and mind.

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For years I was always asking others to tell me what I should think.   I wanted them to make me feel better, give me confidence and tell me how I looked.   No matter what they said, deep down I was not satisfied and was not sure if they were telling me the truth.  The truth is that there was probably not anything they could have said that would have made me feel better or that I would have believed deep down.

David, my old trainer, was tough.  He educated me on how to work out, pushed me to my physical limits and I LOVED IT.  I did not like how he pushed me mentally and emotionally.  I was used to people telling me what to think and feel and he would not do it.  I remember talking to him one time and asking what he thought about my progress and he told me it really did not matter what he thought, what did I think.  I was so hurt and mad at him.  I wanted him to assure me how great I was doing and was losing weight.  He was blunt and it seemed a little harsh to me, he was supposed to be helping me!!  I tried a couple different questions to get him to say something nice and he would not budge.  I left dissatisfied, hurt, angry and sure that he was just having a very bad day  (trainers do have bad days)  but this happened on more than one occasion and eventually figured maybe it was me, not him.

Mulling over, “it really does not matter what I think, it is what you think” made me panic, how was I supposed to think if others did not tell me what to think or feel, what if my thoughts and feelings mattered. Oh my, I was 43 and never been a free thinker, I was always doing what others told me, believing what they told me to believe about myself and anything else that mattered.   The truth is that I had no confidence in myself, I did not believe I was significant enough, smart enough or important enough to have my own opinion.  I thought I NEEDED THEM.

I was driving home from the gym a few months ago and called Keith, my husband, and said, “What do I look like?”.  There was silent pause, he said, “You are a lady that wears black a lot.”  Oh my, this is not what I wanted to hear and hung up quickly.  Once again I was hurt and mad.  What I meant but did not say, I am having a bad day, everyone at the gym looked perfect, I felt fat, my extra weight was not coming off quick enough and I wanted him to tell me how great he thought I was doing and looked.  Keith is a smart man, knew I did not seem happy when we hung up and called me right back.  He said, “I guess that was not really what you were looking for?”.    I told him to forget it, I would be home soon and got off the phone.  My past conversations with David came flooding back and I realized once again I wanted someone else to make me feel better about myself.  It was a great moment because I talked myself through what I really needed to be thinking about–to be patient, continue working my plan, it takes time and I was worth taking the time to take care of myself, I was doing great.   By the time I got home I was so happy,  confidant, still a little impatient with the process but knew what I thought mattered most.

There is nothing wrong with encouragement from others.  Encouragement is a good thing, I need cheerleaders, but it is wasted if the whole time in the back of my mind I do not believe what they are saying!  I lived by my emotions for years and was depressed.  Now when I go there the thoughts comes quicker, What do you think Ruthie?,  What do you know to be true?, Why are you needing outside affirmation?  I have a conversation with myself, I talk through the things I know to be true and my confidence starts to build.  MY MIND IS A BATTLE GROUND, I am a work in progress, getting rid of old thought patterns that had me stuck, exploring that I really think and believe about all aspects of my life.  It is scary and exciting.


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